The Village

About a year ago, our home life was ... not going great.  Tim works primarily from our home, and the kids wanted to be home instead of an afterschool program.  We thought that they were old enough to be home and "let Tim get his work done", and they are.  But we focused on whether the arrangement was going to work for Tim -- his work life is busy and a little unpredictable.  We focused less on whether this was going to be the best set up for the kids.  The arrangement didn't work -- for the kids, or for Tim.  They had afterschool activities they needed to attend, and he needed to plan his work day and meetings around being available for school pick ups and shuttling kids around in the afternoon.  Any travel or even afternoon meetings for him necessitated making sure I could be home from the office that day.  Tim and I were both working later and later into the evenings to make up for lost time, and the kids were pretty much fending for themselves.  The parade of McDonald's and Burger King containers through our home was horrifying.  And yes, they were home with a parent, but he wasn't really available for them.  He was on the phone and working, and frustrated by the constant interruptions.  We knew we needed to make a change. 

My kids are easy -- they are 10 and 13.  They are really good kids, who don't get into much trouble, get their homework done without too much nagging, and follow most of the very few household rules.  I do wish they'd clean up their rooms.  But, like all kids do, my kids need the companionship of a responsible, caring adult.  At least some of the time!  Oh, and real food for dinner.  This must be the most incredible bit of "duh" that I have ever written.  Child rearing 101.  We launched a search for the right someone.  How hard could it be?  We simply needed someone mature, kind, organized, responsible and smart to pick up our kids, come be with them after school, help with homework, deliver to guitar lessons and soccer practices, cook a healthy dinner, generally try to maintain sanity in our house, solve world peace and end hunger. 

If you've ever searched for child care, for children of any age, you can probably skip this paragraph, because you have been there/done that.  After you weed out the people who can't speak English, the women who want to bring their 1 and 2 year olds along with them, those who call with a million questions about hours and wages but forget to ask how old your children are, and the men (yes, because even though I completely recognize that it is unfair, paranoid, sexist and wrong, I'm not interested in, and very skeptical of, men who want to come into my house and care for my children), you start to get a bit worried... and tired ... Searching for trustworthy and high quality child care, even for children who are on the verge of no longer really being children, and who don't need "care" in the traditional sense of "child care",  can take more time out of every day than the hours you are trying to cover, and if you allow the worry and guilt to take their natural course, leaves you questioning every life choice you have ever made, until your husband finds you in bed, in a puddle of your own tears blathering your stream of consciousness anxiety about family values, that he can't quite follow, and contemplates whether he may need some help here.  But I digress.

From the start of our search, Tim suggested I reach out to our friends (because I didn't ask if I could write about them, I'll call them Harry and Sally), to ask if they had any suggestions or knew anyone.  Harry and Sally are both ultra successful professionals with very busy work lives and three very young children at home.  You know what that means, right?  An entire staff, in alternating shifts, is necessary to help them keep their home running smoothly.  Why not lean on friends who have been where you are, and steal their nanny?  OK, we didn't exactly "steal" Deirdre -- she had worked with Harry and Sally since their first child was born, and had been part of their family -- central to their family, really -- for 6 or 7 years.  But with the addition of the twins, and the hours to fill, and changing needs, it was apparent to Harry, Sally and Deirdre that, while she would remain forever connected to their family, she was looking for something different. 

That's when Deirdre became forever connected to our family.  Sometimes, until things are going well, you do not recognize how "not well" they were before.  You know that feeling when you are finally over the stomach flu, you are eating again and regaining your strength and saying "I never ever ever ever ever want to go through that again"?  Finding the exactly right person for your family dynamic, who loves your kids, and your cat, gets your sense of humor, forgives your chaos, and reminds you that your children need to go back to the orthodontist (and calls to make the appointment and takes them there), is JUST LIKE THAT!  There is absolutely no way to list all the things that Deirdre does for and with our family that we didn't even realize we desperately needed.  But, for all you Moms who have raced into the toy store 20 minutes before the birthday party, hoping and praying that they gift wrap and spending way too much money because you just don't have time, having someone (1) know that your child has a party to attend on the weekend, when that someone isn't even going to be working, (2) think about the fact that your child will need a gift to bring to the party, and (3) email you at work and offer to purchase a gift, and wrap it, days in advance ... well, it's like getting a spa massage, pedicure and hot fudge brownie sunday (with whipped cream) all at the same time.  Or, like having your husband do the dishes.  In other words, nirvana.  The kids love her, the cat loves her, and we love her too.  She thinks about us when she is not with us, she is in constant communication with us, and she anticipates needs we didn't even know we had. 

I try to be thoughtful and respectful and consistently grateful for how much Deirdre has brought to our family, and how she saved us from any further visits from the Department of Social Services.  I also try to make sure she knows that we appreciate her.  Some days and weeks are too hectic for me to stop and remember to say thank you.  For that matter, there are some weeks during which I don't even see Deirdre, because I work late or travel.  I sing Deirdre's praises to other working moms who ask about our child care arrangements, and you know what, I really like being with Deirdre.  It isn't always easy to have another person in your home, but Deirdre makes it easy, and she has become a friend.  Not just a facebook friend, either. 

Yesterday, Friday, was Day 7 in my 29 days of giving.  I brought Deirdre a gift certificate for a one hour massage at a spa in the town where she lives.  Everyone deserves to be pampered and taken care of.  I hope she finds an hour soon to completely relax, let go of her own stresses and worries, and just enjoy being indulged.  Thank you, Deirdre, for everything that you do.  We truly appreciate you.

Oh, and here is where I hope I get to do one more little favor for Deirdre.  We are not able to give her the hours that she needs, or the salary that she is worth.  She's looking for full time work.  Either full time for one family, or mornings to fill in the times when she isn't with us.    If you want to know more about Deirdre, get in touch with me.  We'd hate to lose her support, but we want her to be in an arrangement that works best for her.  And whether we help her find something or not, she's going to need to make a move.  So, we'd like to help her.  Also, if you know a Deirdre if and when we need to find someone to replace her (which I cannot imagine doing), also get in touch with me, please.  You'll probably find me in bed, in a full fledged panic attack about Deirdre leaving, and us raising super-sized kids with crooked teeth who attend other childrens' birthday parties bearing gifts of school supplies, hastily purchased at CVS, wrapped in last Sunday's comics.