Cleaning House

Hello internet!  I know.  You thought I was dead, given how yesterday I blogged about being dead, and all.  Surprise!  Even I thought I had died.  It turns out, though, that I'm not so dead. And now, I am wrestling with whether it is in poor taste to draw some analogy to yesterday having been Easter.  Never mind.  I already know that it is in poor taste.  What I'm really wondering just how tasteless it is.  I'm sure someone will let me know, one way or another.     

Moving right along, I think I'm starting to over-analyze this whole "gift" thing, and how one should define "gift". 

There are times that I want to do something for somebody, but start wondering whether I am cheating, somehow.  If you spend a little time doing someone a favor, is that a "gift"?  And, do the gifts need to be things you wouldn't have "given" but for the 29 Gifts project?  What if you give someone a birthday gift?  Does that count?  What if you give that someone a birthday gift every year?  Why should you get "29 Gifts" sort of credit for this year's birthday gift, that you would have given anyway?  What if you just keep choosing people in your family or immediate circle of friends as recipients?   Are the gifts supposed to be more like "random acts of kindness"?  If you get all pissed off at someone for something, and you can't let go of feeling pissed off about it, does that somehow negate the good that you are trying to create with the gift thing?  Does it make a difference if you decide not to make an issue of it?  What if you do make an issue of it?  Aren't you so glad you don't have to live with me?

I have been assessing, and reassessing, my goals, and asking myself what I hope to take from this exercise.  In my most self-critical moments, I wonder if I am looking for too much positive reinforcement, and making this too much about me (and how fabulous I am for being so thoughful and giving, what with the daily giving of gifts and telling the world about it... or at least the 5 people reading my blog).  And, when I read the 29 Gifts book, the author talks quite a bit about what she receives... the abundance that comes back to her, because she is giving.  I ask myself whether this turns "giving" into a more selfish act.  And, does it matter, if you are generating good feelings for others and injecting positive energy into the karmic universe at the same time?  Aren't you allowed to get something from the experience?  The purpose of giving in my mind is, at least in part, to learn to be conscious about your own state of gratitude, to be in that state more often, and to be outwardly focused (if you are using your energy to focus on others, there is less room left for dwelling on yourself).  But, when you do those things, isn't it also the goal to become a more spiritually fulfilled (and, by extension, happier) person?  Or is it really supposed to be completely altruistic?  Darn it.  I'm confusing myself. 

Today, I am working very hard on letting go of the perfection that I am trying to weave into the fabric of my giving project.  I am permitting myself to skim the instructions.  I want to focus less and worry less about whether I am doing it right, and spend more time thinking about giving genuinely, and generously.  Without any expectation of payback, karmic or otherwise. 

Today, I chose to give a gift that the recipients may never know that they received.  We have neighbors... The Invisibles (who are also friends ... and who we would have chosen as friends even if we had met them somewhere other than in the neighborhood).  The Invisibles took an opportunity to spend a few years abroad.  They do come home from time to time, but their house here in town remains vacant much of the year (and the alarm is on, and neighbors are watching, potential burgler).  I pass their home at least twice a day, and over the past few weeks I have been noticing the accumulation of bits of trash that has blown around and landed in their bushes.  Today, Rachel and I took a garbage bag to our neighbor's home, and we picked all the bits of candy bar wrappers, random papers, plastic bags, cigarette butts and other detritus of a semi-urban community.  We also took the time to pull some of the weeds from their garden.  

 In caring for their home just a bit, without regard to whether they will ever know, we practiced giving just for the sake of giving, and not for the credit that we accumulate or the "thanks" that we might receive.  I'm pretty sure that The Invisibles aren't reading this blog (I don't see them here, anyway).